i wish for once, just once, you looked at yourself as at least partially guilty. that you had some part and some entitlement to the mistakes and downfalls in your life. you accepted not only the mistakes you constantly ignored, but were willing to progress from them. you have so much potential but i realized if you don’t know how run with it, then you become nothing but could-be’s and should’ve been’s. continue taking on the role of victim and you’re life will be nothing but shortcomings and helplessness. you’re more than capable, you’re in control of your own choices and smart enough to know that you don’t need to keep making the same mistakes twice to realize that there are better things coming your way if you were willing. it’s time to grow up and take some responsibility. you’re better than all of this. 

i wanted to apologize, but for what use? you didn’t want to forgive me of anything nor felt like you should have; and when i was told the truth would set you free, i had forgotten that freedom would come at a price. 

first off, i said, it had nothing to do with you. i had been harboring these feelings for over a year now, long before i had ever met you. and when we finally had met, i didn’t lie when i had said i enjoyed being with you. i won’t rob you of that. being with you was a recess from a graveyard of old feelings and sentiments, but reality always finds a way of setting in and if i had continued letting on, what sincere reason would i have to explain to you without an anchor of guilt weighing me down. so i said it, far from sweet, but short and simple, straight to the point. the last thing i intended was for you to understand and you didn’t. disarrayed and hurt, i knew quite well how you were feeling— funny how the tables have turned now. an apology was more than unnecessary but i didn’t know what else to say. this seems to always be the thing though, someone is going to end up getting hurt and there is nothing to help cushion the blow. but this time around, i could have prevented this, i could have made one less mistake and here we are. you look at me and i have nothing left to reciprocate back to you. 

and so i’m sorry, i really am. 

1112pm:

He reminds me of myself when I was in love with you. Except, the thing is, he’s in love with me.

Do you still remember, or have I just failed to forget?

I am overly critical and I dissect people shred by shred too harshly sometimes, I know. They’ll say one thing and within that very moment, I’m already trying to peep their intentions and what their words are really trying to convey. The main goal, their true ulterior motive and some are better at hiding them more than others— which makes the mystery and inquiry ever more fun. I do it to the point until it annoys me realizing how insincere and bogus their whole act is (am I being too brutal, again?) But then I rush to convince myself to have a little compassion, not everyone is out to make a flamboyant point or make a unnecessary impression yet somehow I always end up finding truth in my assessments. I am analytical and cynical. But just understand, I know, don’t think that I don’t. I just won’t say a thing. 

I always wonder what goes through someone’s head or their intention when they post a self-revolved video of themselves with a subtle remark to ease the conceited point that they’re truly trying to make or a collage of self portraits with a caption completely irrelevant to what’s even captured in the photo(s). 

But this is just me being judgmental lol